My contact lense company was Optical Express in London. They’d always been very good at giving me lenses, and I’d been impressed at the ease with which I could get appointments, the way they gave my eyes very thorough checks every few months, and the free biscuits. This, then, surely, would be the perfect company with which to entrust my sight?

Er, well not quite. Whilst I can state with pleasure that the surgery was performed very competently, the same cannot be said for the associated admin. Which is odd, as you’d think the admin would be the easier of the two to get right. But after my initial suitability check (a procedure that widens your pupils and so leaves you looking like a bush baby for a few hours) I phoned to see if I would be suitable for Wavefront, which gives you vision like superman. Someone said they’d call me back. They didn’t. I phoned again. No answer. And again. And again. And (can you believe it?) again.

Eventually, I was very horrible indeed to someone slightly less stupid than all the others, and was finally told that I wasn’t suitable, as my pupils were too small. You have to have the surgery within three months of the initial consultation, and the three months were almost up. In a moment of impulse, the like of which I’ve never before experienced, I told slightly-less-stupid that I would like the surgery I could have, LASIK, and was booked in for the end of May.

The surgery was deeply unpleasant, without being in any way painful. I was given a tablet to sedate me, which didn’t work. I was checked over a final time, and had a quick consultation with the surgeon, Dr Jain, who went over the risks again, and then dismissed me. I felt he was a bit quick, and I didn't feel reassured having seen him - I'd have liked him to have been a bit more caring, but hey ho. I had to write out the phrase “I understand that my vision may be worse as a result of this surgery.” I went all shaky. The waiting room is full of cards that say things like “I can see I can see!” and “Thank you so much.” Many of the cards had cats on them, presumably confirming the cat’s status as an animal with very good eyesight. (And who, therefore, would never need LASIK.)

The surgery itself was very quick. I went into a dark room with lots of masked people in it and sat under a machine. Dr Jain taped my eye lashes back (OK), covered one eye (FINE), dropped anaesthetic into the other eye (I AM DEALING WITH ALL THIS REMARKABLY WELL) and then inserted a plastic ring into my eye (OH GOD STOP IT LEAVE MY EYE ALONE). A nurse said “Suction on” and it went suck, and everything went black (THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD I’LL NOT WANT…). I was told to look at the red light and he made the first cut, which I didn’t feel, and then the front of my eye was peeled back. This is conceptually hideous, but is not painful, and so a bit of a relief after the hieronymus bosch-style horror of the suction. The red light in front of me looked all blurry. A nurse said “45 seconds laser” and then it made a toc-toc noise and Dr Jain did the deed. I’d read that you can smell burning flesh for this bit. I breathed through my mouth, and so cannot confirm whether or not this is true; although it is clear from my behavior that I am very sensible, as well as brave.

The lasering stopped after 45 seconds (the nurse was counting down –for my benefit? I shall never know) and the whole process was repeated with the other eye. I was very brave all over again.

Then it was all over. I gave the nice nurse her hand back and was lead, shaking and a bit teary (question – do people ever cry after LASIK? And if they do, does it wash the fronts of their eyes off?) and was lead to the waiting room.

Then followed the gift of a small green bag filled with eye drops and masking tape and a scary bus ride home. I lay with my eyes shut for two hours, as they hurt (it was like getting suncream in them) and then opened them to see a glorious new world…

Immediately after surgery my eyes were screaming “Keep us shut! Something is not right!” However when I forced them open for a few seconds to negotiate roads I could see that my vision had already improved enormously, although it was very blurred, I couldn’t focus and light hurt. After a few hours with my eyes shut my vision had cleared and I was staggering round the flat looking at things. My vision was still blurred for anything at a distance of greater than a metre but close up was already great.

The next morning was glorious. Despite gunky eyes from all the drops, my vision was awfully good. The next day check up confirmed that my vision was already driving standard, with my left eye slightly better than the right. I reckon it has improved even further since then, although day-by day in week 1 my vision would shift in each eye. This gave me headaches, and the constant desire to shut one eye and peer at something, and then peer with the other one to see which was better. But, of course, its wonderful. I get a little thrill every time I remember – I don’t need glasses any more.

A little coda on the continued communication brilliance of Optical Express. On the Tuesday morning after surgery I woke up to find the vision in my right eye was extremely blurred. I panicked, and then did the most reasonable thing at 7.30am and went back to sleep. At 9.00am everything seemed OK again. I rang Optical Express to see whether I should be worried and was told someone would call me back. Did they? Did they f*** ! So well done on the treatment, Optical Express, but your customer care needs serious work.